Meditation #sol20

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Meditation #sol20

August 11, 2020

I downloaded a meditation app a week ago.  I’ve started having real difficulty sleeping.  I never opened the app even though I’m alerted daily on my phone and in my email.  My husband says I should call our family doctor and get a pneumonia shot and a DpT shot because he read in the New York Times that people who have had these immunizations are less likely to get Covid-19.  The school board voted last night for us to return to school.  Several board members said it would be safer than our homes.  Only one person other than the UPS driver has been to my home since March 18.  She sat outside with a mask on more than six feet away.

I know people know I’m worried.  I’ve tried not to say too much about it, but I fit the demographic in a lot of scary ways most of which I can’t control namely being over sixty.  The teachers’ union repeated asks who is considering taking a leave of absence, retiring or quitting.  I’ve hardly even ever taken a sick day much less a leave of absence.  Who will help out if I’m gone?

Lucy Calkins’ was quoted as saying last week,

We will muddle through things together.  We’ll imagine next year together. We’ll work to hold onto our values, despite the pressure to do otherwise, together. We’ll come out the other side, ready to reshape the future.

I’ve always considered myself an optimist, a glass-refiller, but I wonder if this has brought me to my knees.  My husband says when you go back you’ll get into your routine and you’ll feel better.  He paused then and looked up at me.  Then he said, maybe you won’t.  Maybe I won’t this time.

I’m committed to the work still,  the students, their teachers, moving literacy forward.  I’m planning,  big plans, ones my colleagues don’t love, filled with hours of small groups for kids at home and recorded lessons.  I’ve read and studied and worked more than most summers.My husband says I should have given myself a rest, but who can rest now.

I think about the affirmations I put above my desk… Be Fearless, Be Okay, Be Intentional, Be Conscious.  Along with those I have others.

We need to find new handholds we can grip…

Who do I know that can help me with this?

If you don’t like something, change it.  IF you can’t change it, change your attitude. Maya Angelou

As educators, we know that we find much of our power in collaborative work. Cornelius Minor

Let’s draw all our power.  All our collective good intentions, smart thinking, sheer will.  I’m going to show up at that school.  I’m going to do my best to hide my grief for all we don’t have now, hide my fear for what might happen, hide my loneliness missing all the interactions that drive me forward.  I’m going to imagine next year together.

6 thoughts on “Meditation #sol20

  1. I wish I had written this, you express what I feel so thoroughly. I like all the quotes, yet also the feeling that they are not periods but ellipses…
    The most helpful ideas in your piece for me are ‘holding on to our ideals’ (Lucy) and ‘change your attitude’ (Maya.) Also the reminder of the value of collaboration, which I am exercising. But still the dissatisfaction and uncertainty and concern plague our every moment.
    PS Those school board members you quote are idiots.

  2. I have a lump in my throat. I wish I could tell you that it will all be ok. My mother in law thinks I should stay home with my kids. I can’t imagine not being a part of making sure that going forward, we do what is good for kids. We’ve dedicated our lives to this work. I send you strength and a bubble of love to keep you safe. ❤️

  3. Imagination is the energy we need to grab hold of right now. You hit the nail on the head with that word. I keep holding onto my my teacher research hat and asking “What happens when…”questions. What happens when we teach with a hybrid model? What happens when I return to school with my colleagues? What happens when I have a masked hallway conversation? These little research questions will fuel me as I begin to uncover answers and more questions – but I deep down, I know, these questions will be about teaching and learning and kids and that is what will fuel me/us! Hugs and another bubble of love (stealing that from Jess) from me to you – stay well and have fun doing the work we love for the kids we love!

  4. You have expressed the fears and reality of so many teachers. This is true for me, too: “Only one person other than the UPS driver has been to my home since March 18. ” You have the right attitude, to focus on doing TOGETHER, “imagine next year together.” Wishing you and your community wellness and joy!

  5. Your raw vulnerability in your post is impressive. So many unknowns and concerns I find it paralyzing.
    Yes, hang tight to your ideals. I am sending good thoughts your way.

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