August 11, 2020
I downloaded a meditation app a week ago. I’ve started having real difficulty sleeping. I never opened the app even though I’m alerted daily on my phone and in my email. My husband says I should call our family doctor and get a pneumonia shot and a DpT shot because he read in the New York Times that people who have had these immunizations are less likely to get Covid-19. The school board voted last night for us to return to school. Several board members said it would be safer than our homes. Only one person other than the UPS driver has been to my home since March 18. She sat outside with a mask on more than six feet away.
I know people know I’m worried. I’ve tried not to say too much about it, but I fit the demographic in a lot of scary ways most of which I can’t control namely being over sixty. The teachers’ union repeated asks who is considering taking a leave of absence, retiring or quitting. I’ve hardly even ever taken a sick day much less a leave of absence. Who will help out if I’m gone?
Lucy Calkins’ was quoted as saying last week,
We will muddle through things together. We’ll imagine next year together. We’ll work to hold onto our values, despite the pressure to do otherwise, together. We’ll come out the other side, ready to reshape the future.
I’ve always considered myself an optimist, a glass-refiller, but I wonder if this has brought me to my knees. My husband says when you go back you’ll get into your routine and you’ll feel better. He paused then and looked up at me. Then he said, maybe you won’t. Maybe I won’t this time.
I’m committed to the work still, the students, their teachers, moving literacy forward. I’m planning, big plans, ones my colleagues don’t love, filled with hours of small groups for kids at home and recorded lessons. I’ve read and studied and worked more than most summers.My husband says I should have given myself a rest, but who can rest now.
I think about the affirmations I put above my desk… Be Fearless, Be Okay, Be Intentional, Be Conscious. Along with those I have others.
We need to find new handholds we can grip…
Who do I know that can help me with this?
If you don’t like something, change it. IF you can’t change it, change your attitude. Maya Angelou
As educators, we know that we find much of our power in collaborative work. Cornelius Minor
Let’s draw all our power. All our collective good intentions, smart thinking, sheer will. I’m going to show up at that school. I’m going to do my best to hide my grief for all we don’t have now, hide my fear for what might happen, hide my loneliness missing all the interactions that drive me forward. I’m going to imagine next year together.