Facing it… or not #sol20
November 17, 2020
I don’t think you know what made me turn off my camera and take … a long moment in our meeting. You were thinking about something else and probably had gone on with your train of thought as your words leveled me. I didn’t hear those words, only the ones that echoed through me and the empty space I sat in alone.
Those words you don’t really remember and perhaps the others didn’t really hear were these. You are probably going to do what you want to. You always do… It doesn’t seem like that should even take a slice out of someone like me. Someone like me…
Do I always do what I want to? Why did that seem so egregious? I mean I am a coach, right? I look at a situation, I evaluate the options, I make suggestions, I offer assistance, and I move on. But do I just ALWAYS do whatever it is that I want to do.
I truly hope not. I hope what I do is think about what will be helpful. Consider what will move us forward as educators, as a team, as a learning community. Think deeply about the teachers I know and what they need now.
Sometimes what I really want to do is nothing. I don’t really want to go to endless meetings where nothing gets accomplished. I don’t want to endlessly argue points of view we aren’t going to change. I don’t want to defend my position on what seems like every single thing we do or I do. Sometimes… I don’t want to do anything.
I want to stay all day in my yoga pants and netflix. I want to teach myself a new knitting pattern or watercolor painting. What I don’t want to do is aligned the standards in a document that NO ONE is going to read. However, aligning standards in a document that perhaps I can convince someone to reference is my job. Going to meetings and contributing regardless of the support I receive is my job. Knowing how to teach elementary literacy and convincing others to do the same… that most definitely is my job.
So when you tell me that I always, always do whatever I want, I know it means that you don’t really know me. I know it means that I’m out here on my own. I know it means that I’m not going to get to quit defending my thoughts, my knowledge, my opinion any time soon.
I want to say that that is ok with me. You can think and that and clearly say it and I’m going to just move on like it never happened. I will move on… but it happened. I will be like Frances in that story about the friendship… careful.