Hiding Out #sol20
July 14, 2020
It’s true I’m hiding out. I’m not going to try and deny it. Last week someone sent me a text… How’s your summer going? A day later I replied, I’m settling in. I am settling in to my day being structured around projects I make up, walks with my dog, and reading. I might check my email 1-2 days a week. I’m not thinking about going somewhere, being somewhere else and I’m especially not planning for back to school.
That’s right… I have officially stuck my head (at least partially) in the sand. I did go to a re-opening meeting last week. I have read a LOT of op-eds, blogs, articles, and news stories about reopening. We definitely discuss it at our dinner table and on our patio and over coffee in the morning… The answer however, are not forthcoming.
The thing is, usually I have a fix-it plan for everything. Regardless of what the people around me have planned or not planned, I have an idea for my own personal work around. Those work arounds have worked pretty well for me for low these last… years, dare I say decades. But this time, I can’t work out a work around, fix it plan, at least, not yet. The reason is, I don’t know what I’m fixing or working around. I won’t know until 3 weeks before the students are sitting in front of me (and everyone else) either right there in person or right there in person on my screen. So for now… I can’t make plans or fixes, work throughs or work around, I have to wait.
In that wait, I am staying productive (ish). On the weekends, I tackle big (and sometimes small) house projects with my husband. I plan meals. I binge watch Netflix (Have you seen Down to Earth?). I read my tremendous stack of books in my TBR pile and mark craft moves I want to show… someone sometime. I organize my closets and sift through things in my most Marie Kondo sort of way. But when I go to sleep, I wake up in the pre-dawn thinking about what’s happens next. Eventually, I’m going to run out of projects, run out of books, and run out of daylight.
One of the questions on our union survey was, I will consider retiring or resigning… Retiring or resigning? My fingers hovered over that check box for more than a second. Would I consider retiring or resigning? Now? Could this be the end? I don’t think I want it to be. It doesn’t feel finished, this career, though I know it’s nearing the end. I question my worries. I question my actions. I question my inactions. I question… my way forward.
Last week, I only talked to two humans in real life, my husband and my son. I spoke with 7 other people virtually. I could see them smiling and frowning. I talked to a few other people in my family on the phone. I smiled at some social media posts. I discuss birdseed and plant life with some squirrels, chipmunks, and deer. Is this the reason that I’m worried? My isolation? Or is this just the routine summer behavior exaggerated?
I’m not sure, but I do know for now I’m going to take the dog for a walk, bake, garden, plan for dinner, and look out into the green expanse of the woods looking for answers. I’m counting on them showing up.
I’m inspired by the writing of my fellow slicers. Check them out at twowritingteachers.com.